I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
