I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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