is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Everyone says I win the strip club
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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