I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
