I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
