just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
