i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
