you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
