Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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