When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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