I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
