My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
