I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
