1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
