He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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