so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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