I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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