I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
