saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
