Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
