the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He felt like a one man threesome
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
