hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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