apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
