Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
