whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
