Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
