I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
