Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
