Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
