What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
