He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
