Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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