Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
