Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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