well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
