Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wish you could order shots online.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
