What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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