I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
