just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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