what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
