Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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