The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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