im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
