I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
