when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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