After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
