hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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