My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
