Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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