Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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