one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
