i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
did i walk over a car last night?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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