we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
