Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
