Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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