just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
