Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
