i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
