I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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