remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
