not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
