the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
