Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
